I listened to a teaching on a blistering, sensitive subject from one of the "Focus on the Family" pastors this past week. It was introduced with a strong disclaimer, which piqued my interest. The teaching was given to a gathering of 15-24 year-olds at a young adult conference. I still am not fully sure about my own thoughts on the subject but it was compelling. The topic was: "This Generation's Besetting Sin"; the answer was the aversion to marriage in our culture. I would love to hear your comments, thoughts, ideas, understandings, or wisdom you may have regarding this.
First off, I'd like to present some easily attained facts:
--Divorce rate in America: %40-%50
--2nd and 3rd marriage divorce rates: %60-%73
--Marriage rates, by contrast, have been steadily declining: only %52 of adults are married (compared to %72 in 1960)...%82 of young adults in San Francisco have never been married
--4 out of 10 babies in America were born to unmarried mothers
--Birth rates (per 1000 population) have plummeted from 37.2 to 19.1 the last 60 years (13.5 in the US)
--There are nearly half as many marriages in the UK now as there were 40 years ago
--The population replacement rate is a well-established 2.1 children per woman. The US recently fell to 2.09, Europe is at a 1.47. It is estimated that fundamental Christians are reproducing at a demoralizing 1.36 (...Muslims are twice that!)
--The average age when men are getting married is 28...26 for women.
Why are Americans (the figures for Christians hardly vary and are often worse, sadly) waiting to get married, not getting married, not staying married, and not having children? There are hundreds of reasons...just ask around at church this weekend! But before you do, I think a better approach would be to ask God some questions first.
God instituted marriage in the Garden of Eden. His purposes for marriage include three widely accepted functional arrangements: lifelong companionship/partnership, an arena for sexual expression, and procreation. God's Word readily reveals these.
But many believe there is more! A second major possibility for God’s purpose for marriage is one of spiritual enlightenment. John Piper (2007): "The main meaning of marriage is to display the covenant-keeping love between Christ and His church. In other words, marriage was designed by God most deeply, most importantly, to be a parable or a drama of the way Christ loves His church and the way the church loves and follows Christ." Ephesians 5:22-33, which offers some of God's instructions for Christian marriage, concludes: "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and will be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is great – but I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” It seems that marriage is pattered after Christ’s covenant commitment to His church. I have actually considered this before http://jonathansfriend.blogspot.com/2011/05/wedding-bells.html. There can hardly be any higher meaning and purpose of marriage than to put the covenant relationship of Christ and His church on display. An argument can thus be put forth that marriage is essential to the Christian walk (with some vary rare exceptions as seen in Matthew 19:11-12 and 1 Corinthians 7:26). More on this mystery later.
A third possible divine purpose for marriage is one of transformation. What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy; to make us selfless rather than selfish? Ephesians 5 shows us that marriage should be Christ-like. It gives insight into the fact that assuming the role of a husband requires one to sacrificially love their wife as Christ loved the church and came in all humility to die for her; and assuming the role of the wife requires one to humbly submit to her husband, relinquishing self as their top priority. Philippians 2 calls us to become the servant-rulers that He created us initially to be in Genesis 1:26-30, denying our selfish ambitions for the sake of considering others more important. The oft-times crucible of marriage quickly uncovers who you are...one likely reason why so many marriages fail.
Thus, it seems that God’s intentions for marriage are not what most of us imagine them to be. He has not designed marriage as a place where we try to get our needs met; sexual, material, or otherwise. God uses marriage to direct us towards Himself, to be conformed into the image of Christ. He uses difficulties and challenges to refine our character and strengthen our faith.
Many avoid or opt out of marriage, mistakenly believing that God’s ultimate goal for them is "happiness." They have been defrauded. God desires for His people joy, not happiness. This also have I lightly touched on http://jonathansfriend.blogspot.com/2011/03/happinesspart-1.html.
Many are too selfish to enter into the selflessness of marriage and then child-rearing. Others are too lazy. Others too scared. Some are scarred emotionally/psychologically/physically. Some have been raised by their parents to wait. Many put marriage on the back-burner to focus on career/money/enjoyment/education. A large number have been seduced by a culture that no longer respects the sanctity of the marriage bed and even the marriage vows. Tolerance has taken its toll on marriage. Maybe you can add to the list.
And now I come to the interesting assertions of the aforementioned speaker. He noted that marriage was of such importance, of such vital significance that Christians should be doing it...and shining brightly for the Lord in the process!! Marriage is essential and should be prepared for and looked for with intensity and hopefulness. To do otherwise is against God's plan and as such falls into the catergory of sin. Young people need to be actively encouraged to be ready for marriage whenever God presents it to them. Sexual maturity is reached between the ages of 13-16. Why should a young person unnaturally bury the natural sexual forces in their bodies for 10, 15, 20 years while the world tells them to wait for marriage? A study of sexual activity outside of marriage shows that they, of course, are not burying anything!! And the natural consequences of those sins are sickeningly on display nearly everywhere in the world around us.
The speaker did not broach the subject, but the issue of procreation is quintessentially linked to this discussion. I have wrestled with these thoughts in the past but usually just brush them aside. This past week I was unable to do that. I could not stand before my Lord otherwise. And here is where I stand, shakingly, now. There seems to be something distinctly wrong with the way today's young, Christian, married couples hold off on conceiving children and then tightly limit the number of children they choose to conceive. I know that most, if not all, of you reading this will yell "FOUL!" and click off right about now! But before you do, I would ask: Why do we choose when to have babies and when not to, if at all?! Put aside rationalizations and hip-pocket prepared defenses. Search your heart and I am sure you will find the same answers I did, the same answers as discussed earlier: selfishness, greed, fear, demands of society, cultural pressure, lack of faith, worry. There is so much more to discuss concerning this and I will save it for another day. But I cannot leave Psalm 127:3 untouched: "Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from Him." (NLT) Knowing this, why would anyone refuse to allow children conceived in the blessings of the marriage covenant into their lives? Christianity, especially and even notably those in ministry, must surely have missed out on what God wants to do for them through the gift of children. I even think that God wants to use these children in much the same manner as He wants to use marriage: to functionally, spiritually, and transformingly draw us closer to Him!! I know that I desire this and I pray that you do too.
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